Coffee Dilemma

I love my coffee. I NEED my coffee. The only time I don’t drink my coffee in the morning is if I’m sick or I’ve got the nastiest pregnancy heartburn in the world. My routine is: up by 6:30am or 7:00am (at the latest) and by 9:00am I usually have my usual 2 cups of coffee. Sometimes, if I really really need it to stay sane, I’ll have a third cup before noon.

My dilemma is this:
I never liked coffee before. Not coffee that tasted like coffee anyway. I usually splurged on Starbucks every once in a while, but that was it. Never liked the taste. But over the past couple years….well, actually since Steve died, I’ve taken to not only liking coffee, but needing it. Now, having established my “history of drinking”, I have recently been plagued with thoughts of having to quit. Why? I’m afraid it may affect the baby’s sleep patterns, diet, etc because I plan on exclusively breastfeeding him. I never had this issue with either Hayden or Yvette.

I don’t want to quit. But I will if necessary. My logic is this: I’ve been drinking it throughout this whole pregnancy. Why stop now? Would he go through “withdrawal” with me? If that is the case then it would be best to NOT quit, right?

Twisted logic, but needing some advice……



Dreaming Of Him

Last night I didn’t sleep well because the kids kept waking up. They have both been sick with nasty little colds for the past 2 days. But the strange thing is that even though I woke up several times throughout the night, when I slept I still returned to dreaming of Stephen. I dreamed of memories. I dreamed that he was still here and visiting us in our new house. I dreamed about going through pictures of him with my dad and starting to cry, “I miss him so much,” I’d say. And my dad would cry too and say, “I know…me too.”

Simple Pleasures

I have been without an oven since just before New Years. Yes…that would be almost 2 months without an oven. What have I been doing?, you ask. Well, I’ve exhausted every crockpot recipe TWICE. To the point that John told me “NO MORE CROCKPOT.” Thank goodness I had some already made meals in the freezer that only needed to be heated up. We’ve done fried foods, sandwiches, wraps, salads, “brenners” (breakfast for dinner), etc. But now…NOW I have an oven. John figured out what was wrong with it and fixed it!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!

My first meal in the oven was baked fish. Homemade baked fish. Understand that in the past I never successfully made fish in the oven, on the stove, on the grill, or otherwise. But tonight…on Ash Wednesday, I succeeded. And what a success!!!! It was delicious. It was in the oven. And it was a wonderful wonderful feeling to really cook again.

Oh, how I missed my oven. Lent is supposed to be a time of sacrifice and fasting. I’m going to have a hard time NOT baking up a storm…NOT feasting on wonderous foods that we’ve been without. Perhaps the sacrifice can be in extending the deliciousness to others….generosity. Yes….generosity.


After we lost our second baby to miscarriage and less than a year later suffered the excruciating loss of my brother Stephen, I never really thought I’d reach a point of true contentment. I knew that happiness is more a state of mind than a state of being. But with such heartache, one tends to want to wallow in it…find companionship in the sorrow…WITH sorrow. And in those moments it is hard to see oneself outside of it. I had defined myself by my loss. But somewhere…at some moment, God must have trickled in because I don’t remember making any conscience decision to move forward. It just sort of happened. And with that came peace…smiles…and HAPPINESS.

I can say that I am truly truly content with my life.

The pain and heartache will never go away. I will never stop missing them. I will never stop loving them. And there will never be a day that passes where I don’t think of them. But I can be happy. I can be content.


Moms Are Truly The BEST Medicine

Not that I’m ill or in desperate need or anything, but Moms really truly are the best medicine for anything that ails you in any way, shape, or form.

My mother came yesterday and is leaving in a couple hours. I have had the most wonderful time with her. She came last night, ordered pizza for us, played with the kids till they couldn’t stand anymore from exhaustion, sat and chatted with me for an hour after everyone went to bed, and shooed me off to bed by 10:15pm. To add to the wonderful-ness that is my mother, she proceeded to sleep in Yvette’s room, got up with her in the middle of the night to change her, ended up with a bed buddy (Hayden) half way through the night, and woke up all smiles and giggles. John left for work, the rest of us were up by 7:15am, we ate a good breakfast and she played again for several hours occupying them so I could get some much needed unpacking done. A saint, I tell you!!! We had a picnic lunch in our living room, she laid down with Hayden until he fell asleep (15 minutes), and came downstairs to help me some more. Being Valentine’s Day and all, I noticed I had strawberries and chocolate….so we DIPPED! Yummy! Then she asked me what she could do to help. !!!! As if being here wasn’t enough!!!! She then grabbed a cleaning bucket, changed her clothes, and spent an hour scrubbing our 2nd bathroom….which needed it badly! I proceeded to work on my endless piles of laundry and unpack 5 more boxes while the kids slept. I’ve/we’ve gotten more done in the past 8 hours than I have in the past month!!!! And it is all because of her. Gosh I love that woman!
What is she doing now? As soon as Hayden woke up, we put his shoes on and she took him shopping. For what?…I’m not sure. But they are out and about on a beautiful day.

My mother is the BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I’d post a picture but I don’t think it would be appropriate.

Hayden is almost completely potty trained with the exception of sleeping times and poops. I think he is scared to poo in the toilet for some reason. ??? I’m told it is normal. ??? Anyway, lately he’ll dash into the bathroom, do his business, then bolt out of the bathroom buck naked screaming “NAKE-EE NAK-EE”. He then proceeds to throw his naked little body on every piece of furniture we have, do somersaults in the middle of the living room, then end the whole charade by attempting a head stand. Where he gets this type of behavior, I HAVE NO IDEA. 😉 But it is entertaining and inappropriate at the same time.

Don’t worry, I’ve resorted to throwing sheets over the couch and wiping down the leather recliner daily. You can visit AND sit on our furniture without hesitation.